


The Joker's Boner

by Georgethecat



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2016-09-07
Packaged: 2018-08-13 13:00:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7977664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Georgethecat/pseuds/Georgethecat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Joker has a problem. He needs some assistance in getting rid of it... Not much in the way of plot, but more of a character analysis of how the Clown Prince of Crime views his Queen of Hearts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Joker's Boner

It started in No Man’s Land. 

There wasn’t really anything to do. No phones, no electricity, not enough people to kill. Well, there was always people to kill, but they had to be found and they liked hiding in No Man’s Land. 

At first, the Joker just ignored that itch. It went by a name, of course: Harley Quinn. She was forever pestering him, sneaking her hands down his pants and getting whacked upside the head with a bag of bananas or a rubber chicken or whatever other comedic accoutrements he had on his person. 

“Haaaarley,” he’d snarl impatiently. “Your hands try to sneak in there one more time and I’ll cut them off.” 

Harley would pout and they’d move on. 

But now he had this boner he couldn’t get rid of. And, at first, it was very funny because he was the Joker for crying out loud! And then after a couple of weeks when it kept popping up at random moments, he started getting annoyed. 

And it wasn’t until maybe three weeks more that he finally decided to do something about it. 

He was certain Harley had noticed, and was even more annoyed about that because she was grabbier and more lascivious than usual. She even tried to show him her special juggling act, but, frankly, he wasn’t quite sure why she needed to perform without any clothes on. Her act, much to his dismay, practically drove his need insane and that’s when he surmised that his need and Harley might be one and the same. 

That caused a vicious rage where he left their ramshackle apartment for two days and only returned after a good murder spree. 

It was so much easier when she was his good doctor. He could control himself so much better, and never had this kind of problem, even when she would show up to their sessions without any panties on. He’d pretend to watch her diddle herself on the couch while he was really dreaming up how much prettier a tidy slash of blood would make her face. 

So the Joker figured if he was going to get this over and done with, it might as well be somewhere nice. He was no slouch, after all, and he certainly wasn’t going to do anything — even this — half-assed. 

He told Harley they were moving to a new place and at first, she pouted and told him she didn’t want to go since she’d just finished fixing this place up. Of course, when he looked round all he saw was newspaper clippings of his old crimes, mirrors and pictures of the two of them. That, and far too many stuffed animals. 

“You can stay if you want. This place couldn’t even get a decent reception. I can’t even troll all my haters.” A little sniff followed as he sprung from his dilapidated Laz-e-Boy. 

He had his hat and cane in hand and was practically out the door before she could finish her caterwauling, and this time, he didn’t even have to stop and wait for her to catch up. His petite Harlequin bounded up beside him, full of rainbows, sunshine and bloodied kisses. 

It took them days, but they finally found the perfect mansion to inhabit. The host and hostess must have left town before the U.S. government (Ha! The word made Joker giggle: government. It was funny like potato cannon and genocide) so, sadly, he lacked victims to play with, a thought which nearly distracted him from his original plan. But, happily, Harley found someone new to play with, and he was ever so pleased to learn that this particular torture victim was one of the Penguin’s thugs. He let Harley have a go at the old boy for a little while and found that itch returning when she played the game “99 cuts on the body” and sang her happy little tune. But he was more than anxious, so he told her to put some wine on ice and she squeaked and squealed and giggled until he had to give her some added direction.    
“What’ll you give me if I go and get it, Daddy?” she purred in his ear. The ache returned with a vengeance and he inwardly scowled. 

“Something you’ll like very much. Now, go!” 

When he was done and the thug was no longer amongst the living, he went up the ostentatious winding staircase to the master bedroom to find Harley sprawled out on the satin sheets, wearing a see-through nightie. He sighed with annoyance as he removed his hat, coat and shoes and walked over to the bathroom. 

“I need to shower,” he said as he stood in the doorway to the bathroom, waiting. 

“Oooh!” Harley exclaimed, practically skipping over to him and shedding her nightie in the process. “You’re so full of good ideas, Puddin’!” She turned the water on — it was nice to know the hoi polloi were good enough to have running water in these dark times — and slipped into the shower while he removed the rest of his clothes. The water was lukewarm, but there hadn’t been much opportunity to shower lately, let alone a warm shower, so he’d take what he could get. 

His cock was back at it again and the need almost hurt. Harley reached under his legs and cupped his balls. That earned her a playful foot stomp, but the persistent little minx didn’t give up and she had him pressed up against the shower wall with her mouth around his cock. He felt rage at giving in like this to such base desires, but his rage subsided as he watched her looking up at him with such joy and passion in her eyes. It was sickening, really, how devoted she was to him. He could end her right here and now, and yet, with just the slightest baring of her teeth over his manhood, he was certain she could end him just as quick. 

He wasn’t sure if either of them remembered to turn off the shower when he grabbed her and hoisted her up, carrying her to the bed. She wrapped her legs around him tight — too tight — and pulled him down to the bed with her, giggling. “Puddin’, Puddin’, Puddin’, I love you, I love you, I love you,” she was happily murmuring and he knew well enough there was one way to stop her incessant chatter. 

They’d had sex before, of course. Not penetrative sex during their sessions, when she was his doctor and he her patient, but after she’d gone looney tunes and declared her unending love for him. She so desperately wanted to and he thought it would be harmless fun, and he was always down for a little fun. It turned out to be just a little too much and he found himself actually …caring for her. So, he’d tried killing her. Fortunately, or unfortunately — well, he was a glass half-full kind of guy, himself, but when it came to Harley, it could be either/or — she returned and tried to kill him in response, which wasn’t as funny as he’d originally thought it would be. All was forgiven and that had ended their first lover’s spat. She even came back to him with new powers, like super jump and non-toxicity, like an enhanced Yoshi — thanks to good ol’ Pammie.

But they hadn’t had sex much since. Not for lack of trying, all on Harley’s part, naturally. Oh, they had a couple rounds of make-up sex. But the Joker just didn’t want to give in to Harley’s wily ways and found it easy enough to occupy himself with setting up a new criminal empire in the No Man’s Land. 

Except that Harley was always around and she was forever touching him and rubbing herself up against him and sleeping beside him in teeny little pink rompers or nothing at all. 

And now she was quite the sight. Her blonde pigtails looked ever so sweet splayed across the pillows as he propped her pliable legs up on his shoulders and went to work. If there was one thing he knew about Harley, it was that a little tongue lashing between her legs would tire her out. 

Four orgasms later and she was still asking for more. He tried fish-hooking her mouth, but that spurred her on, and two fingers in her pussy and two in her ass certainly didn’t work as a silencer, either, but her screams were quite delectable now and he rammed his cock inside her without even waiting for her to say, “Please, Puddin’” this time. 

He knew he was in trouble that very second her entered her oh so perfectly tight and wet cunt and he had her shoved up against the wall and she locked around him like a vice grip. He barely even lasted 20 minutes, if that. Of course, she pouted and called him a pussy and rolled his eyes, ready to shove her face down into a pillow. But then she bit her lip hard enough to cause it to bleed and he knew then it was going to be a very, very long night.

**Author's Note:**

> All apologies to those who thought the term boner actually meant a mistake. Because it definitely did not mean that here.


End file.
